Critical Denial
Sometimes I find myself defensive. Sometimes I find myself trying really hard to prove a point. It gets tireless and puts people off. And afterwards upon reflection, I often wonder why I had bothered to begin with. Am I not this care-less person who views her principles as the most supreme and justifiable? I guess not. I am still just a person who vies for the attention of the people who I regard highly. To their eyes, I have to be special, I have to be different, I have to stand out. It's not enough that they like me, I want them to adore me.I did a staff profiling test and the results categorically defined me a self-confident pessimistic loner (the last was much to the surprise of many... haha). I agree. I don't think I have ever been directly emotionally scarred and left bitter for life but strangely enough I'm not trusting and I fear intimacy (I would score very low in love tests, zero confidence there) - all defence up and going, except to the selected few. Even so there are still things that I don't disclose simply because I'm in denial and I believe talking about them would make my mind toy with ideas I don't want to entertain.
Admittedly, I also discriminate against all things "lower class" such as AF. Me - a prejudice and a snob. I failed to realise that no matter how ridiculously below par or crudely speaking "entah apa2" the show is, to the children of the less privileged (but not too underprivileged since they can afford Astro kan?), the aspiration means the world to them; that they too can become somebody just through God-given talents. This is why Mawi is so famous and that dude Faizal is the latest winner. And you know how I was awoken. Well... these words came from my own mouth. Uncanny isn't it? I, the critique, the same person who subjected AF to the word "rubbish" merely seconds before when this lady complained to Haris that the hotel has no Ria for her to see the finals. Haris just smiled at me and said "there you go" in a wise grown woman fashion. She doesn't follow AF but unlike me, she never hold the fans in contempt just because their taste differs from her own.
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